one disabled life perspective, focus on language and communication difficulty.
events and experiences real, with some details and timeline change for privacy and flow as story.
no choices, just simple click through. 10-15 minutes.
''warnings:''
* ableism. plenty.
* exactly 2 cusses.
go home, or, [[begin.->1]]''hardly minutes old.''
so lovely, they say. those eyes so bright.
they have hopes for you. dreams. //love//.
[[hello, world.->2]]''8 months old.''
you stare.
not understand this... book-thing.
but pages soft between little fingers, and each have pretty picture.
you grab, rub, pull, and flip.
"look!" mama coo, "so smart, you already read!"
[[what is that?->3]]''3 years old.''
this hurt. this hurt this hurt this //hurt//. so loud like very ''world herself'' scream in ears.
"just fire alarm, pumpkin. someone pull as prank again..."
(link:"please make stop, mama.")[//"please make stop, mama,"// you want beg.
but nothing come out.
they say you regress - lose skills, start over, //worse// than before.
[[they fear you.->4]]]''4 years old.''
parents bring you out somewhere //fun//, they say. this place have food that never even know ''exist''.
so you poke at contents on plate. you did not catch word, and that //scary//.
you like olives, and cheese, and applesauce. but this food not look like any from those.
"here," say daddy, who scoop some up on your spoon, and woosh like airplane (link:"into mouth.")[into mouth.
//repulsive//. that food leave just as quick as enter. you try wipe from tongue with tears in eyes.
"really ''that'' bad? come on, try again..." daddy say, another spoonful ready.
you sob. you would leave this chair, if not block in. instead, you squirm and thrash.
mama look around and sigh, "alright, stop that. people //stare//, you know."
[[let them stare! let them!->5]]]''6 years old.''
you not on those //leashes// and //straps// anymore. good, they always itch and hurt - and beg, scream, or cry, no one would listen.
your parents look for new furniture - "everything fall apart these days," they say.
(link:"still seem alright to you.")[still seem alright to you.
in instant, something ''loud'' and ''sharp'' happen.
you scream to try drown out, and dash away fast as legs carry.
where? somewhere, //anywhere// else. maybe even ''nowhere''. what is nowhere like, you wonder? quiet and calm, probably. not like //this//.
you sudden stop by hand that grab, and daddy's voice yell.
he say really scary things, //loud// things. you think hear words about cars and darkness, (link:"but hard tell.")[but hard tell.
then he sigh, "i love you. want you //safe//, this all. you understand now why can not do that? please, just... use your words next time."
[[what //did// i do?->6]]]]''8 years old.''
you try write thoughts, but teachers never impress.
"i like that cats." (link:"//those// cats.")[ //those// cats.
"i eat many breads." (link:"many //slices of// bread.")[ many //slices of// bread.
"yesterday i see cows and field and grass and hay and sky and tractors and many cool things." (link:"''saw'', not see. please use //commas//.")[''saw'', not see. please use //commas//.
"yesterday i saw cows, field, grass, hay, sky, tractors, many cool things." (link:"that list //too long//. use your words to ''describe'', not just //tell//.")[that list //too long//. use your words to ''describe'', not just //tell//.
no one help understand why wrong. they just expect //learn better//.
but ''how'' learn better?
''why'' not good enough //now//?
when think about all those cool things, you see and feel and smell those ''vividly'', //all over again//. how can someone word that any better?
[[you think everyone play ''tricks'' with this whole language thing.->7]]]]]]''19 years old.''
you struggle. for. ''years''.
even when voice get words out, not really //useful// ones. you can ''parrot'', at times, but then people get angry with same things that repeat.
(link:"easier just say nothing.")[easier just say nothing.
"what, you want give up on that //beautiful voice//, use- use your //hands//?" woman you can not ''stand'' call //mother// scoff.
as if even use much.
[[as if you even fucking listen //anyway.//->11]]
]''10 years old.''
so, you try make words hobby, //passion//.
everyone call you nasty names for this, always nose-deep in dictionary, but what else can even ''do''?
no one help you but yourself, that much clear.
parents proud about how ''good'' able spell all these new words.
and you can say letters okay - enough for spelling bee, right?
(link:"but //say// letters very different from when //write//.")[but //say// letters very different from when //write//.
this task that easy with pencil now take so long.
(link:"E. X. I. T. E. M. N. D.")["E. X. I. T. E. M. N. D."
"incorrect."
and just like that, you out. if this on paper, you could spell for sure!
your parents say //that alright,// would need go 3 towns over for next contest and doubt want that ''anyway''.
[[but still they seem disappoint in you.->8]]]]''13 years old.''
you have fun when try sing, but prefer best in other languages.
if you spit out lyrics in some other language that barely even //half// right, at least no one can ''tell'' wrong.
tunes easy carry anyway - you sound pretty enough that no one complain.
just words make problem.
[[//always// words make problem.->9]]''21 years old.''
no one will help you, that much clear for long time now.
so you help yourself, to nice new expensive program.
something that give words in way that never really have before.
you love to ''death''. finally you can write what on mind - even if words janky, even if some people still all too happy insult and hurt.
(link:"someone else not so keen.")[someone else not so keen.
where did all that love go, you wonder. that hope, those dreams.
[[you have hard time not wonder why even //exist//.->12]]]''15 years old.''
school just get more and more hard.
you try, you ''really do''. no one else think that way.
(link:"they never have.")[they never have.
in try find some answers, any at all, you run in with doctor after doctor after //doctor//.
each make their own answer.
(link:"not enough //meds//.")[not enough //meds//.
(link:"not enough //discipline.//")[not enough //discipline.//
(link:"not put in enough //effort.//")[not put in enough //effort.//
(link:"you lazy.")[you lazy. (link:"you try avoid responsibility.")[you try avoid responsibility. (link:"you manipulative.")[you manipulative.
(link:"hell,")[hell, you just want manipulate ''because'' lazy and try avoid responsibility.
[[''all. your. //fault//,''->10]] each one say.]
]]]]]]]''present day.''
you hurt so much more than ever before, in body ''and'' mind.
that thought always eat at mind - why even exist if no one willing love ''anything'' you might become?
(link:"well...")[well...
some people //are//, you find. you can talk with people. ''connect.'' not just sit and watch everyone else have all fun like happen for //so long//.
of course, some people still not listen. some people //hate//.
and hard say that not hurt - at times, this even ''danger''.
but at least now can say have voice.
[[you love your voice.->end]]]''end.''
really appreciate you reach end.
would feel silly say hope //enjoy// when get so heavy, but do hope find value. if nothing else, that understand little more.
go home.